Do only what I can, with what I gave to give.
At times it is easier to take the lead and get things done, than it is to slow down enough to allow for the Universe speak.
Am I doing this all on my own? Am I doing too much? What if I am not doing enough? WHY am I stuck doing this all on my own? These repeating thought patterns are evidence that there is this deep knowing inside each of us, which is gently reminding us that it is OKAY to open yourself up to the Universe, and let the natural energies flow as they will.
Losing oneself in the hustle and bustle of daily life, obligations, and responsibilities is enough to cause one to shut down and harden to the world around. But rest assured, we do not have to harden. We can stay soft while remaining productive. It is these thoughts that we all can meet around. However, we are told that productivity and success is measured by hours put in, personal time sacrificed, and amount of the Self lost.
Enter, the power of presence and awareness. To a Pre-K teacher, success is measured in frequency of smiles, hugs, and skills put to practice. On any given day, I am welcomed by a quiet classroom with the faint sounds of giggles and clanking toys. “Miss Lauren! I gots to tell you someting..” is the typical greeting that I receive upon entering our classroom. Even though my morning ritual includes a yoga practice and meditation to set my intentions for the day, I found myself falling out of sorts at work mid-morning, like clockwork. This began before the holidays, as us teachers were all feeling the intense pull of burnout and frustration with the demands of education, sanitation, and the pandemic. Now, I have always LOVED going to work because of the children and the strong women there to support me. However, things began to shift in late October of 2021. What used to be a happy place to go each day, and share my inner wisdom and love with these tiny humans, somehow quickly became something I would dread.
Little did I know, my reality that I was actively creating was that of negative thought patterns, projections, and self-induced misery. I felt as if I was in charge of keeping the class “under control” as opposed to teaching from a space of love and wonder. An important thing to mention is that I have two amazing co-teachers that support me and our class of 30 children. Moments through out the day, I would gaze into their eyes and see the familiar feeling of utter exhaustion. We are in this together, as much as blood brothers who make the ultimate oath in their tree house are. There is this unspoken understanding that teachers have, and when you see one of your own suffering, you step up to create space for them to breathe. That is exactly what we do for each other. Although, I felt as if I was not reciprocating in the way that I should. The children looked at me differently. My co-teachers expressed their understanding for my “burnout”. That is when I knew that my fire had been smoldered. A feeling of defeat, failure, and confusion set in.
Fast forward a couple of months. The holidays are over, the children’s holiday gifts have been sent out, the holiday program has been executed beautifully, the family celebrations have concluded, the COVID scares have simmered, and a tropical vacation is approaching. Little did I know, that taking two weeks off from work, leaving the country, unplugging from every form of communication, and swimming in crystal clear warm water was what would begin to bring me back to the surface.
Upon returning from my vacation, I felt a new sense of wonder and love for my passion; teaching. I no longer had this deep gut feeling of dread, exhaustion, or judgement. Rather, I made a conscious decision and promise that the next time I entered that classroom it would be from a place of joy and presence. What exactly led me to this point was one memory; a chaotic moment in the classroom a few months ago. Amidst trying to gather the children and transition to the next thing, the room erupted in chaos. A young girl came to me to ask a question about what to do next, and what happened next has burned an imprint in my mind and heart so not to forget. I met this child’s confusion and needs with a harsh and short answer, accompanied by an expression absent of compassion or support. The face burned into my mind is that of a four year-old in shock, fear, and confusion. She came to me for guidance and support because she knew that I am a safe and loving guide. What she did not know was that Miss Lauren was fighting an internal battle of “How do I do all of this, and still stay present and sane?!”
It was my first day back, and I was overjoyed to be given a second chance to show these deserving tiny humans that I can and WILL be present throughout the fun and the chaos, because that is what I can do, with that I have to give. We should not feel the pull to be a productive part of society if it robs us of our innate compassion and worth. “Do I need to start looking for another job?” This question rattled inside of my mind more times than I can count. Is this a failure upon myself, and what I am able to do within the career I have chosen? NO. This is a false reality that is created in our mind. One that feeds off of negative thoughts, repeated thought patterns, societal pressures, epidemics, and a temporary loss of intention and presence.
Do only what I can, with what I have to give. What can I do? What do I have to give? These are the thoughts and mediation that I sat with. I was left with “Service” and “Love”. How can I serve,” and “How can I love?” I was immediately transported to my Pre-K classroom, and the BEAUTIFUL faces that decorate it (almost in the same sense that Rose was transported back to the Titanic upon her death, and she saw all the beautiful people who had touched her life in that space, as she approached the clock at the grand staircase where Jack was waiting). This is my promise. I will be present. I will feel everything, good and hard. I will pause to witness the beauty around me. I will be here NOW. It was time to set a new intention, one that allows for space and presence. Space to connect in a authentic way, without the judgement of time constraints, or productivity. A mindset that allowed for presence in each moment, whether that be taking time to look into a child’s eyes as they are telling me a joke, zipping their jacket, or explaining a long process of creating a special piece of art. IT ALL MATTERS. My presence matters. This moment matters. My effort in this moment matters.
Take this moment to sit with your Self, and make a heartful promise. Sit comfortable on the floor or in your bed, in a way that you feel safe and supported (pillows are always helpful). Envision the struggles and subtle pain that have been pulling at your heart and mind for some time. Bring to the surface the feelings and sensations that come with those memories and feelings. Now, welcome those thoughts and feelings to enter your space, but DO NOT let them rule you, do not judge this process. Let them come, without judgement, just as a river flows over freshly fallen stones after each snow melt season. We can see these moments in time, and overwhelming emotions as a catalyst for self development, and growth. Listen to these deep sounds, in the way that a whale listens to the songs of it’s kin in the deepest depths on the ocean. Call to your truer self. Invite a new perspective, while keeping the judgement and struggles at a near depth, as to recognize where you have been. Where you have been, is a propellant as to where you are going.
Remember to ask yourself during the turbulent times, “What can I do, with what I have to give?” Do not give up all of your power. Instead, harness it in a way that feeds your soul.
